What happened to me? When did I lose IT...even though I am not exactly sure what IT is. My mojo...my incentive...my eye on the prize? My health, my happiness, my horrendous appetite for food?
This is going to be one of those pity party posts so if you don't want to read it, I understand.
I am tired of being me. There, I said it. I am tired of fighting the battle of the buldge and always losing. Well, not always losing. Just most of the time.
When I met Bryan, I was somewhere between 198 - 202 and I was in heaven. I honestly felt like I looked good and wow, what a difference. Bryan was around 230 and although I normally go for men with dark hair and dark eyes, there was something about him that attracted me to him. Maybe it was because he was shy and I was feeling uninhibited, like I could take on the world. Wow...did I really feel like that? Yep, I did and it was fan-fucking-tastic!
As with most new couples, we shared quite a few meals as we got to know one another. One meal led to another and another and the next thing I knew, I was off to meet his family. I felt kind of down at this time because I had already packed on about 20 pounds but was still optimistic that they would like me. Looking back now, I really shouldn't have worried about the weight. If you could see my hair in those family pics, you would DIE! My 2nd time getting it colored professionally and my 2nd time with a bad dye job. It was so dark. It looked Gothic! I had not tanned much during the winter (ahhh....I miss those days...I wonder if I have any sessions left anywhere...ummm...I digress) and I looked like a freak! Nevertheless, they loved me and I loved them. There's nothing quite like meeting the entire family at one time. It was a joint b. day party for an uncle and aunt of his and the whole family was drinking and having fun. My kind of people.
We came back to Charlotte and fell into a routine and as the days went by, the scale went up and up. And this is where I am right now. I'm not happy with myself and don't know what happened to me.
Bryan insists that we both got skinny to find our mates and that we should now be fat and happy. Un..un...that just doesn't cut it for me. I can't be happy when I am miserable deep down inside.
How did I let myself go? And when I found myself for that brief period in my life and lost 40+ pounds, how did I do it? Why did I do it? Did I do it for me or like Bryan says, did I do it to find a man? And now that I have one that loves me unconditionally, what's next? I don't want to be a pudgy girl (hey, I liked it when I was just considered pudgy)trapped in a morbidly obese body. I know I need to lose the weight if I want to increase my odds of being able to conceive but so far, that hasn't worked. I keep losing and gaining the same 10 pounds.
I don't want to be fat. I want to feel like the big girl pushing the empty buggy around in the store. What am I looking for and why can't I find it?
2 comments:
Oh, sweetie - big giant humongous HUGS!!!!!
You're looking for that elusive "happiness" everyone is always talking about. Or at least inner peace.
I think a large part of it stems from your infertility issues. At least it did for me. Now that I'm pregnant, I've been able to be a little more accepting of my fatness. But deep down, I still loathe my body.
I remember reading on someone's blog that her therapist said she would never lose weight until she loved the body she was in. Of course, her therapist couldn't tell her HOW to love her current body.
P.S. Is it wrong that I giggled at Bryan saying you should be fat and happy?!? ;)
P.P.S. It's 9:00 in the morning, and I'm eating Cheetos while I blog surf. Take my words of wisdom with a very large grain of salt.
Thanks for this post. It really resonated with me. Glad to know I'm not the only one in the world feeling like this.
Post a Comment